Little Aydin arrived earthside on the 10th of November 2021, looking like a carbon copy of his brother. It was a beautiful autumnal day, with the trees outside the hospital window decked out in beautiful hues of yellow and orange. The details of that eventful morning will stay with me forever. The mushroom topped jam toast that I ate less than an hour before birthing Aydin, the shower that I took mere minutes after pushing him out, flashes of the whirlwind delivery pooling in my mind as the blood pooled at my feet. I hadn’t anticipated a shower so soon after delivering a human – one of the many differences that would set my second birth story apart from my first.
But let me not get ahead of myself. This isn’t a birth story, which deserves its own blog post.
Nizar and I spent the first week of our maternity/paternity leave going out on lunch dates, doing last minute shopping, and anticipating baby’s arrival. When we crossed the due date (5th), I agreed to a membrane sweep to speed things along. I was due for an induction in 4 days but wanted to go into labour naturally if possible. With my first pregnancy, which also ended with an induction at nearly 42 weeks, every day past the due date made me more frustrated. Thanks to the wisdom of hindsight, I felt more in control this time, and decided to enjoy the break.
Once Aydin arrived, our parental load doubled overnight. Suddenly, we were responsible for not one, but two little humans – and as expected, it was a LOT of work. Amidst the late night feeds, the relentless nappy changes and the constant feeling of inadequacy trying to split fair time between the children, we just about managed to find a rhythm.
It may no longer be possible to eat on time (breakfast happens at 1 pm, lunch at 5, dinner at 11), but its oh-so-worth it. We are utterly besotted with our little Aydin, high on his gorgeous smell and mesmerized by his squishy face. He is the gentlest, the sweetest, even when he fights nappy changes with all his might, propelling his little feet in earnest. Explains why he was SO active in my tummy.
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Life as a family of 4 is mad, but good mad – most days, anyway. There are moments when the sleep deprivation is so acute, I cant form proper sentences. There are early mornings when the day has to begin but I feel woefully unprepared to leave the bed. My clothes are almost always covered with leaked breast milk, baby vomit and pee. The laundry load feels unconquerable and the bin fills up faster than I can keep up. On the flip side, my stitches have started feeling less painful, and overall I feel stronger and fitter with each passing day.
Life with a Newborn
This being my second stint at motherhood, I felt quite prepared for what was to come. But the details had faded in the last 3.5 years. I was reminded again of:
- the smallness of a newborn (SO small)
- the softness of their skin
- the uterine contractions from breastfeeding (OWWW).
- the pain of episiotomy stitches. how much it can hurt to try to sit down with them.
- the challenges of breastfeeding a newborn.
- the relentless frequency of the feed-change cycle.
- the merging of day and night.
- the sleep deprivation that builds and builds until you feel more zombie than human.
There is no denying that these early days parenting a newborn are maddening and tiring. But they are also magical – and fleeting. I am soaking up every bit of Aydin’s newness, trying to keep the sadness at bay that this might just be our last time parenting a newborn. Aydin – and Aryan – will never be this little again. These sleep deprived mornings and nights are numbered and before we know it, they will become mere memories.
My Book
My other baby, The Boy With The Dancing Bells, arrived ten days after Aydin. It was surreal holding my first piece of published work. I am so incredibly happy to see this passion project come to life!
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Currently Reading
I started reading Elif Shafak’s ‘The Island of Missing Trees’ at the hospital, reaching halfway before being whisked off to the induction room (yes, it was a LONG wait). The storytelling is sublime and I cannot have enough of Elif’s magic.
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Currently Watching
Dexter: New Blood. It was back in 2013 when the last season came out so I am really enjoying spending time again with my favourite serial killer (I am a crime novel buff). I am finding it quite hard to wait for weekly episodes (too used to the Netflix binging way of life). But I feel like this is making me revisit not just the world of Dexter but also the forgotten pleasures of non-instantaneous gratification.
Aryan and Aydin
I have TWO baby boys. How is that even real? Watching them together evokes feelings that my sleep-deprived brain cant quite articulate. The force of it crashes gently in every corner and crevice of my overflowing heart.
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Aryan has been the most loving big brother to Aydin. The first time he clapped eyes on him, he was so overwhelmed, he decided to gift him one of his cars. He calls his brother ‘my baby’, and squishes him with glee every single morning. He tries to calm him down when he is crying and is always alert that we never leave him alone.
While his love for his sibling knows no bounds, and he is happily sharing us with him from Day 1, Aryan does seem more emotional these days. There are mornings when I am feeding Aydin to my left and Aryan is adamantly clinging to my right. As though he needs reassurance through my touch. My body aches from the weirdly twisted positions I have to assume to accommodate both boys but hugging them together makes me feel the luckiest.
Aryan has been making us laugh with his observations about Aydin – and he has many. ‘Sleep, wake, sleep, wake’ he cackled the other day, summarising Aydin’s routine. He will tell anyone willing to listen about his theory that Aydin can fake cry and smile, LOL.
What’s coming?
End of 2021! Cant believe this is my second last Digest of the year.
New variants. The emergence of the omicron so close to Christmas brings with it a sense of déjà vu. Anti-covid restrictions made a comeback from 30th November. Here’s hoping our vaccines can fight omicron’s ass.
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Such an easy read Samira! Loved it!